“When she speaks she has something worthwhile to say, and she always says it kindly.”
Proverbs 31:26
Good news. You know the amazing, do-it-all woman described in Proverbs 31? She’s possibly not one particular person, but rather a personification of wisdom. An example to strive for. Tucked among this beautiful description of the wise life a few words about speech is included.
Wise speech is described as being worthwhile (content) and kind (tone).
Don’t we all wish this could be said about us?
My mom used to correct her three children with swiftness when we started “talking ugly”. Instead of ugliness, I want to be a wise woman who speaks worthwhile kindnesses.
But some days that feels hard.
Especially saying kind words to myself. And honestly, that is just as important as words said aloud.
Why Choosing Kind Speech Takes Work
SLPs are trained in the mechanics of speech and language. We know where language originates in the brain, which nerves innervate muscles in our mouths and a little bit about the way air pushes over the vocal mechanism to form sound.
Or at least we did back in grad school.
Our ability to speak words is the results of a physical chain of events.
Our ability to speak words KINDLY? Well that, my friends, is a whole other thing.
Word choice and tone come from the mysterious place of our identity, of our character. And why we say what we say and why we say it a certain way has much to do with our thought life.
Which always leads back to that “words flow out of your heart” reality.
When my tone or words turn unkind, I can usually trace it back to one thing: an unkind conversation and tone toward myself.
Unkind thoughts toward yourself will predictably lead to an overflow of unkindness to others.
A few weeks ago I had a run of bad days. Relationships felt off-kilter, my feelings were bruised, and to top it off I fell down in the parking lot after Sunday lunch. Right in front of a whole group of strangers, I felt every one of my 50 years bounce off the asphalt.
That began a string of wonky days and I let it get the better of me. I started listening to the snarky side of my brain about almost everyone who crossed my path. There was lots of sighing and muttering. Maybe some eye rolling as well.
I blamed it on the end of the school year blues. If only summer would get here, I’d be in a better headspace.
Isn’t it crazy how fast our own words can turn on us?
I let a bad attitude and a banged up ego offer an open invitation for unkind words to take over my thoughts. They hurled their arrows inward.
Gosh, how can you be so dumb?
Nobody needs you. Nobody cares.
Why can’t you be more careful?
You are old, ungraceful and have nothing to offer.
Why can’t you do anything right?
These are just a small sampling of what I heard in my head. It’s no wonder that the overflow out my mouth had turned ugly.
For kind and wise words to overflow, we have to first speak kindly to ourselves.
When life goes a bit sideways and you feel the tension build up on the inside, try getting quiet and listening to yourself.
What are you hearing?
What words are being muttered in your mind?
What tone do you feel echo through your thoughts?
Sometimes all it takes is one slow beat to turn it around. Give yourself permission to speak kindness over yourself, either in your head or out loud.
It. Is. Okay.
Grace is here to help me.
Everything is going to work out eventually.
I can do this.
I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
In 1 Corinthians, Paul encourages us to take every thought captive. Learning to do so is much harder than it sounds. But it the key to speaking worthwhile words with kindness.
Pay attention to what your soul is communicating, both inwardly and outwardly. Speak kindness with intention, to yourself and others. Pause and reflect on the words that direct your inner thought life and how they may be affecting the ways you see and interact with the world around you.
May we all grow the kind of wise speech that reflects inner health and brings healing to all we speak to.
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